to the apple at my desk that I cannot eat

I am afraid this is one one those days again, you know. I am just not in the mood to work. Was in class yesterday and as usual bombed at class participation. Though I think I fared better now than last week. The class readings are just tough. I don't know if it's because I've been out of school for so long but man they require a little more brain power to understand. so rereading is essential, and this takes me like 2-3 hours to finish one article by Roland Barthes or Michel Foucault etc. As in. I am starting to feel that I am stupid. And like my only goal is not to be the most clueless person in the department. sigh.

but I like it. no. I love it. somehow knowing all these critical theories, or rather trying to grasp them, gives a whole new dimension to reading for me. I mean, my old perceptions of the novel, of fiction are morphing into something else. and it gives me pleasure really. cause I love reading. maybe i am just frustrated I guess, becausei really want to devote time to it. devote time to read, to study, to understand. seriously.

like today, I have loads of job orders but i really can't start anything. on this gloomy, rainy friday I just want to be in bed and read more theory. seriously. read theory till I fall asleep. but I guess that is asking too much. so forgive me if I'll sigh again. and again.

double sigh? is that possible?

oh and it's my birthday tomorrow.